when he disappeared

every time I smile, I think I wanna to cry so deep. I can't feel anything except feeling so guilty and desperate. even though as long as 6 months I's as his girlfriend, I always think I'm not to proper to had his love. just it doesn't make sense if he loves me. honestly, I never really know about what is his way thinking about everything. he has disappeared, like everything else but who else I can talk to? I'm lost. when he left, he took everything with him. but the absence of him is everywhere I look. it's like I've a huge hole on my chest. maybe, death is much better than I must be someone's girlfriend and that's not him. and, yeah, I'm a drama queen. I remember, the last kiss. the goodbye kiss. so hurt. my feeling, my heart so hurt and I don't know why. it's like nightmare. see his face, smelling his smell, hear his voice, make me feel this hurt so deep and more deepest. I'm so afraid lose him, lose his love, lose everytime with him. this feel make me so nervous. but I lose him. this pain piling in my heart. full. and I can't breath. I really know, I'm not good enough for him. I can feel nothing.time passes. every tick that goes by aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise, I'm paralyzed. I try to breath but Ijust make this pain so real. but in a way I'm so glad. the pain is my only reminder that he was real. I know he never come back. I really know. he just left me. but maybe I'm crazy now, and I guess that's okay. would I really feel if he ever exist? I would find the place that I can see him again. but where I must to go? I'm alright until I'm alone. and really all this time. he was gone. and just nothing now. but I really don't know where I must to go. what I have to do to see him again. he won't stay with me, anyway. this is just like nightmare. I must get up to end all of this. I've to find my exit to get out from this nightmare. he left. I must stop my step to find him. I can let him go now. because it doesn't make sense to make he loves me, yesterday, today or everytime. I mean, I'm nothing for him. just nothing. my live with him, my love with him, my time with him is over. I lose him. everything is over, now. but that pain, stay with me. I won't this pain! this hurt pull all my body and my soul fall so deep and I never come back to the top. because that, just hurt me not him. just kill me not him. there's always been him so don't make me choice. here's always him.